For years I thought this was the best photo of me that would ever taken. I was ‘young enough’ at 25 to 'still' be pretty. I didn't like my smile because my weird 'wrinkles' showed and I had one crooked tooth on the bottom (I didn’t even have wrinkles yet, and you can’t even see that tooth when I smile).
So here is my dilemma- a whole lot of my clients do not have any love for themselves. One of the hardest -if not THE hardest part of my photography career is convincing women they are beautiful. Despite their many complaints and arguments, they are wonderful and glorious just the way they are damnit! Oh ladies, we are brutally cruel to ourselves when it comes to photo time.
Most of you fall into the main category- you hate having your picture taken because you truly believe there is something about your physical appearance that makes you ugly and unlovable. Dude, does anyone really think that another human who may be considered less than the conventional standardized definition of attractiveness deserves less love? Don’t answer that. That is a terrifyingly cruel thing.
It breaks my heart.
You are a smart lady, you are successful and confident in every other way- how am I going to convince you this lie you have made your reality is BS? I am not a great liar, if I tell you you are gorgeous I am the last person to make up fluff to fake you out. I cannot undo a lifetime of self-abuse in a 30 or 2-hour session. You heard your whole life there is something broken about you if you do not fall into a very specific set of standards from society in general, and people you know and trust.
When I was a school portrait photographer I had at least one parent come to school picture day so they could stand behind me while their baby, whom they truly and honestly loved more than their own life, and berate them for "smiling funny".
"Stop smiling THAT way, no just look normal, wheres your real smile- no don't do that one!"
Seriously folks. I cannot make it up and I am not even sharing the brutal ones I have heard. Why do we stress so much about that …no wonder we all have hang-ups about having our picture taken. I’m not blaming the many past generations of mamas for this, its a big old problem we hear about every day and not a monster created by one group of folks. And sometimes putting ourselves down is just a script we recite to fill in awkward silences I think- that’s weird in of itself.
Years of illness, pain, then depression dimmed my smile a while. Then self-doubts crept in. About 6 years ago I found contentment in my middle years, peace with myself, I began to see I was beautiful the way that I am at my curviest and wrinkliest. Well, let's say at least 75% of the time (*made up percentage is made up) I am still a work in progress, just not the work in progress I thought I was! I am definitely happier with my appearance now that I don't worry so damn much about my physical appearance most of the time.
I happily began showing my real smile all the time- oh baby it is a really cheesy one, I show ALL my teeth these days. I have a double set of smile lines a sweet lady once called almost dimples, and a person I once trusted cruelly said were bitter frown lines. They are not either, just my true self goofy awkward self. And I like them just fine.
My point is to stop it. Stop not smiling. Stop self-deprecating. Stop being ashamed if you do smile. Stop telling me how ugly you are, and how much Photoshop I will have to do. Stop feeling like you are just supposed mock and verbally abuse yourself. Stop finishing every sentence with self-inflicted wounds about your appearance. I am gonna be working on that with you!
Don't stop because it makes me uncomfortable- stop because those are lies and START telling the truth!!!
This is a huge topic of discussion in the photographer world by the way. We are all so hurt for you. I keep waiting for someone eloquent and with poetic words to explain it because no matter how I attempt to convey it none of you believe me. You like my photography work with others but do not trust me to make you 'look good'. You already look good. You look wonderfully made....how can I convince you?
I may be too quiet or shy when I don't know how to respond to statements like "I am so ugly I hope your camera doesn't break"
Or I am too awkwardly frustrated to not say "Now that's ridiculous" which is a really invalidating and blunt thing to say. True, but not helpful. Empathizing is worse though, it leads into a despairing spiral of self-pity and nobody takes a good picture after they spent 10 mins repeating the "I hate myself/I am so fat/I am too old/I hate my smile" mantra.
Rephrasing and exploring the statements is moderately helpful...why do you think you shouldn't smile? What makes you feel like your too ugly for this pose? Let's face it I want you to feel amazing! And I look at the photos and guess what?