For years I thought this was the best photo of me that would ever taken. I was ‘young enough’ at 25 to 'still' be pretty. I didn't like my smile because my weird 'wrinkles' showed and I had one crooked tooth on the bottom (I didn’t even have wrinkles yet, and you can’t even see that tooth when I smile).
So here is my dilemma- a whole lot of my clients do not have any love for themselves. One of the hardest -if not THE hardest part of my photography career is convincing women they are beautiful. Despite their many complaints and arguments, they are wonderful and glorious just the way they are damnit! Oh ladies, we are brutally cruel to ourselves when it comes to photo time.
Most of you fall into the main category- you hate having your picture taken because you truly believe there is something about your physical appearance that makes you ugly and unlovable. Dude, does anyone really think that another human who may be considered less than the conventional standardized definition of attractiveness deserves less love? Don’t answer that. That is a terrifyingly cruel thing.
It breaks my heart.
You are a smart lady, you are successful and confident in every other way- how am I going to convince you this lie you have made your reality is BS? I am not a great liar, if I tell you you are gorgeous I am the last person to make up fluff to fake you out. I cannot undo a lifetime of self-abuse in a 30 or 2-hour session. You heard your whole life there is something broken about you if you do not fall into a very specific set of standards from society in general, and people you know and trust.
When I was a school portrait photographer I had at least one parent come to school picture day so they could stand behind me while their baby, whom they truly and honestly loved more than their own life, and berate them for "smiling funny".
"Stop smiling THAT way, no just look normal, wheres your real smile- no don't do that one!"
Seriously folks. I cannot make it up and I am not even sharing the brutal ones I have heard. Why do we stress so much about that …no wonder we all have hang-ups about having our picture taken. I’m not blaming the many past generations of mamas for this, its a big old problem we hear about every day and not a monster created by one group of folks. And sometimes putting ourselves down is just a script we recite to fill in awkward silences I think- that’s weird in of itself.
Years of illness, pain, then depression dimmed my smile a while. Then self-doubts crept in. About 6 years ago I found contentment in my middle years, peace with myself, I began to see I was beautiful the way that I am at my curviest and wrinkliest. Well, let's say at least 75% of the time (*made up percentage is made up) I am still a work in progress, just not the work in progress I thought I was! I am definitely happier with my appearance now that I don't worry so damn much about my physical appearance most of the time.
I happily began showing my real smile all the time- oh baby it is a really cheesy one, I show ALL my teeth these days. I have a double set of smile lines a sweet lady once called almost dimples, and a person I once trusted cruelly said were bitter frown lines. They are not either, just my true self goofy awkward self. And I like them just fine.
My point is to stop it. Stop not smiling. Stop self-deprecating. Stop being ashamed if you do smile. Stop telling me how ugly you are, and how much Photoshop I will have to do. Stop feeling like you are just supposed mock and verbally abuse yourself. Stop finishing every sentence with self-inflicted wounds about your appearance. I am gonna be working on that with you!
Don't stop because it makes me uncomfortable- stop because those are lies and START telling the truth!!!
This is a huge topic of discussion in the photographer world by the way. We are all so hurt for you. I keep waiting for someone eloquent and with poetic words to explain it because no matter how I attempt to convey it none of you believe me. You like my photography work with others but do not trust me to make you 'look good'. You already look good. You look wonderfully made....how can I convince you?
I may be too quiet or shy when I don't know how to respond to statements like "I am so ugly I hope your camera doesn't break"
Or I am too awkwardly frustrated to not say "Now that's ridiculous" which is a really invalidating and blunt thing to say. True, but not helpful. Empathizing is worse though, it leads into a despairing spiral of self-pity and nobody takes a good picture after they spent 10 mins repeating the "I hate myself/I am so fat/I am too old/I hate my smile" mantra.
Rephrasing and exploring the statements is moderately helpful...why do you think you shouldn't smile? What makes you feel like your too ugly for this pose? Let's face it I want you to feel amazing! And I look at the photos and guess what?
YOU FREAKING LOOK AMAZING!
You don't or won't believe me either because you view me as a paid service provider who will say anything, or because a one hour session isn't enough time to rewire the false statements that have become your inner truth for most of your life.
I address this to women because I literally and figuratively have NEVER had a male client talk about himself the harmful way women do almost every time. Do men struggle with the same thoughts? Surely some do, so how do they keep smiling and confidently accept themselves regardless if they do? There has been talk for years among photographers of compiling a book for women, is it finished yet? We really need it. Clients need it, I need it. Hey, there totally a reason I am so fired up about this subject, I don't like having my picture taken either. And like so many I force myself to so that I am a part of the memories- sadly some do not even do that. No legacy or memories for you children and grandchildren. I cannot explain it better than the many articles already written on the viral subject of mom staying in the picture- so here is the Huffington Post blog by Allison Tate you prolly already have bookmarked!
I want us women to be more than unwilling participants in our history. I want us all to smile happily, to ignore the possibly real and mostly imagined physical 'imperfections'. We are all so willing to erase, blur, alter, Liquidfy and cover up our existence. this is not even a discussion or judgement of makeup. If you like makeup and enjoy it and feel good about it because it expresses yourself, and you understand that it doesn't make you beautiful and that you do not have to wear it, awesome. If you don't wear makeup, awesome. This is about truly believing in your true and very real beauty, and releasing your self from lies.
I want us women to be more than
unwilling participants in our history.
At my brother in laws wedding in 2015. One of the few photos I have with my husband besides my amazing wedding photos from years ago. I have been so afraid to look 'bad' in photos I opted out of a lot of memories- and decided enough was enough. I want more pictures with this man I love. I am sunburnt for one of the first times in my life, at my curviest, as redhead wearing pink and red and with a sunburnt nose…and absolutely happy.
This Lifehack sounds good.
And really, really, really- physical is not the most important thing. Physical trends change. You know those memes where iconic women are compared to each other and we are asked "when did this become sexier than this" You know what? They all sexy! And they stay sexy and beautiful when they get older, and we do too! So there Internet!
We have so much more to give and concentrate on than physical appearances. When you smile- I know if its fake if its hiding pain. I can see it in your eyes. When you really smile we can tell. No one that loves you is looking at a photograph of you really smiling and saying look at that roll, look at those frown lines ( they are SMILE lines too, btw) All anyone who loves you is thinking when they see a photo of your real smile all crinkled up and in your eyes is you. All someone who loves you is thinking is "I am happy to see that smile, you are beautiful, I love you"
What if we were looking at photos of ourselves and pretending to be someone who loves us. What if we made our truth and realty and mantra before photos " I love me, I am so grateful for these moments with my family, I love my smile, I am happy" Maybe if we do it long enough we will realize it is the REAL truth.
I hope my meaning comes through- I want us to be good and gentle with ourselves, love ourselves, and in turn love each other. I would really like help encouraging and helping my clients feel and accept their true beauty. Start talking to and about yourself as you would to a loved one.
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
